The Art Of Comunication

Talking is an art.  Choosing the right words and not saying too much takes a lot of effort. Sometimes not saying anything is the best choice.  The wrong words slip out and you can immediately see the damage written on a person's face.

We are all so very different and so wrapped up in our own way of seeing things. Sometimes I think if real heart-felt communication happens - it may be a miracle.  Even though I live in the midst of a large family, I find myself spending a considerable amount of time alone, so when I have someone to talk to, someone to listen to, I find it, almost always, an enjoyable experience.

Everytime we are with someone or within a group of people it is an opportunity to be enlarged by the experience - if it is done well.

Together Alone

photo by Zephyrance Lou

The relationships we have with each other are constantly in a state of flux. Like everything else, they change because we change.  It takes work to keep these interconnections healthy and growing. Communication is one aspect I have been working on lately with the people I live with.  Some times just listening takes every ounce of will.  To just listen with out judgement or advice is good.  To look another person in the eye and do everything you can to take in what they are trying to say in-between the words that are actually coming out of their mouth is an art.

The curious thing I have found is that you can not really be with other people unless you take time to be alone. There is something about being alone that allows things to settle inside your self.  I believe it is this quiet settling into who you are that gives you the power to be truly tuned into the people you are living with.

Listening Power

illustration from InvisibleElement

I purchased a nice pair of headphones the other day on line.  They shipped to our house yesterday and I am stunned by what I can now hear.  It is almost like when I was thirteen and got my first pair of glasses and could actually see clearly for the first time.  I listened to some of my favorite music and was hearing things that I had never heard before. I heard the various instruments go from one ear to the other. I could hear details and nuance that may have been completely lost otherwise.

I am not the kind of guy that typically gets into a lot of gear so spending just under a $100 for a pair of headphones felt pretty extravagant.  What I have are a pair of Red Wave Numark headphones that are often the choice for professional DJs. I am telling myself this is my fathers day present to myself.

Open Up Those Ears

Drawing "You are not listening" available here

The other day Brenda and I were talking about how we need an exhaust fan installed in our bathroom upstairs. I do a lot of fix it up things around here but putting in a fan felt outside my skill set and too expensive to hire out right now. She suggested I ask a friend of ours who does remodeling if he would be interested in helping us out in exchange for art work. 

Her idea made sense but I felt very uncomfortable with the prospect of asking and taking the chance of it getting awkward. For a while I resisted but eventually later in the day I gave into what I knew deep down was a good suggestion and was worth the risk of getting turned down.  I contacted the friend and he was right away excited by the prospect of getting some cool artwork in trade for his services.  I am so glad I have not been left to strictly my own devices and am beginning to learn how to really listen for a change. "So Brenda, what else are you thinking?"

The Act Of Listening

Drawing titled,  just listen to her is available in my etsy shop

Someone once told me that listening is always interpreted as love.  I have found this to be true. I have now been married for twenty three years and keeping tuned into what my wife is trying to communicate to me is intermittent at best.  I am not sure if it is my own stubbornness of just plain old dullness, but I often miss some of the really helpful insights she is trying to share because some how that just don't get through.

Sometimes I wonder if some of our missed communication could be related to the different ways men and women think.  It seems that men and women respond differently to the same situations having to do with tendencies that may be characteristic of our gender.  Speaking generally, women tend to naturally pick up on how people are interconnected and want what is good for the whole group or family beyond what they may personally need or want.  The man tends to barrel forward towards what he wants to conquer regardless of how it may effect all those affected by his actions. I have seen this played out in the art world where the women are giving much more of their time and energy to support their husband and children all the while neglecting their work in the studio. While they are doing this the fellas are just charging ahead from one project to the next with out losing sleep over what areas the family may be in need or vulnerable.  Oops, did I just describe Brenda and my relationship?

I can't help but think that my wife and I are together because we are very different and have incredible potential that can be only realized if we can find real working ways to stay open and tuned in to each other, so we may receive the full benefit of those differences. The challenge will be hearing that content when it runs across the grain of what you may naturally want to do in any given situation.  Perhaps this is where love comes in and enables us to allow ourselves to be redirected in ways that may feel counterintuitive.

Here is to all you guys out there, slow down and take time to really hear what she is saying and then ruminate on it for awhile and then watch your life open up like a blooming flower.