I have fallen into a deep depression. If you were to ask me when it began I wouldn't be able to say a particular time. It is as if I have slowly fallen into an enchantment, an evil spell. It has become almost impossible to make new art work. I can still draw and paint what I observe but the development of the kind of painting that I am known for feels completely out of my reach. Everything feels hard. I tell people it feels like riding a bike with two flat tires and the brakes stuck on. This is in my mind, so there is no real way to get away from it. I have experimented with meditation which does seem to bring relief during those 20 minutes of quiet thoughtlessness. The terror inside of this paralyses is that - if I am not creating new work, how long until we run out of money and the whole Beerhorst family circus goes bust? I think about this a lot. Today the light in the refrigerator stopped working which felt like a precursor to much more serious breakdowns looming in our future.
My friends tell me this will not last forever. They tell me eventually I will feel better and I will be back to my old self again. I really hope this is true though it is really hard to see that from down where I have fallen. I like being with other people for the relief it brings during that time I am with them. It is nice to have a listening ear though I am afraid that I am beginning to sound like a broken record. Honestly there is very little anyone can do to help me right now because the brokenness is inside of me and no one can reach inside and change the worn out part.
I have a bipolar disorder which means I go way up and then I come down. You can not give an antidepressant to a bipolar person or it could likely send them into a manic episode. I have begun a mood stabilizer medication that is supposed to even out my moods and keep me running smoothly like a more normal person. The catch is that it takes about a month to kick in and I am only one and a half weeks in. Two and a half more weeks sounds like two and a half years to me right now. As a bipolar person I have been mostly up through out my life. This is the first time I have really been deeply down so this is new to me. As difficult as this is I choose to navigate this darkness with grace and what ever wisdom God will allow.